The other day, Orlando came looking for a help attaching a piece of paper to a drum stick.
What? Why?
{not a chicken leg but a wooden stick}
But still, What, why?
“Because I made a flag, Mama!”
He held the paper closer to my face, “See!”
Yes, I do see.
An alien, a flying dragon, a sword, and a gun. I guess he’s got all his bases covered.
I helped him glue it to a dowel and he carried it around looking fierce for a while.
And I couldn’t help but think of Eddie Izzard’s “do you have a flag?” sketch.
How about you? Do you have a flag?
Or, like me, are you surrendering?
{If you’ve read here for any length of time, you now how crazy it can make me, all this domination and fighting and violent play my kids do. Sometimes it is so shocking, as in hurt-my-heart shocking. And sometimes it is so shocking, as in completely-unbelievably-funny shocking. It feels good to laugh about it.}
9 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 21, 2011 at 10:32 am
Dreamingaloudnet
Great Izzard sketch, never seen that one before.
January 21, 2011 at 7:31 pm
woowoomama
this flag reminded me of something – awhile ago you talked about a book you liked (can't remember what it was) because the authors said it is developmentally appropriate for your 4 year old to say “i want to cut you up with a knife” or something. at the time i was, “oh gosh that will be a fun day!” you know, hearing the bean say that to me. and then literally within 24 – 48 hours of reading your post he said, “you better get my rice milk now or i'll slice you with a knife.” with a great big smile on his face. luckily i had just read your post so i took it in stride. i mean really, i didn't freak me out because you read someone who said it was ok and you lived through it and you shared that.
i know the guns, knives, and so on are coming. must just be a part of the growing up here and now thing. i am hoping that having read some about your process i will be better armed to laugh, to feel ok about it.
thank you for sharing this stuff. it is so important!
r
January 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Stacy (Mama-Om)
@woowoomama
Thanks, Robin! For us, it started between 4 and 5… Both the developmental stuff but also just simply more exposure to stuff in the world. I very clearly remember the first time he played “cops and robbers,” a game introduced by two other boys when Orlando was five. I wrote about that here.
I cringed watching it unfold, but it also didn’t escape me how fascinated and into it he seemed.
Also, I definitely take heart in what Scott Noelle says about how we’re not going to turn around 5000 years of the domination paradigm in one generation of parenting. That in fact, we are part of the turn-around… the turn-around has started but the remains of what was are still very much with us, everywhere.
It can be really, really, really trippy to have children who make up a flag like that or say “I’m going to kill you” (in a game) but who also say “Are you willing to wait until I’m done playing?” and “I’m sure we can find a solution that works for both of us.” Or “It’s okay, we just have different ideas. We don’t have to prove who’s right.”
It’s a trip. And I’m glad that some of my sharing is helpful, at least a little bit, for you on your journey.
xo,
s
January 22, 2011 at 12:36 am
LauraX
I love this sketch, it is a favorite of mine. Don't fret too much…I remember years ago a friend ran a home day care…the boys were not allowed to have guns to play with, not even water pistols in the summer (a good rule)…so at lunch one day, a little boy bit a gun shape into his peanut butter and jelly sandwich…the other little boys thought that was a great idea too…NOW all the little boys have grown up into young men who are in college and are pretty respectable…it is hard…but it won't last…you are teaching them kindness and compassion…that's what will stay in their minds and hearts.
January 22, 2011 at 4:36 am
Sarah Christina
Wow! This is intense! I am impressed by your ability to accept your children's processes and honor their autonomy/paths in life. I am strengthened to see it is possible. Mine is still young, so nothing like this has come my way yet, but it's good to look ahead!
Also, great clip! Thanks for that.
January 22, 2011 at 4:52 am
Amber
My daughter, who is almost 6, has not really displayed much of an interest in weaponry or violent play. I don't know if it's just her, or or her gender conditioning, or what, but so far we've avoided it. I have a 2 1/2 year old son, though, so I'm unlikely to escape it twice.
I've read a lot of articles about how violent play is a normal and healthy way to work this stuff out. So I like to think I'll be cool with it. But I'm not so sure how I'll really react in the moment. I guess only time will tell.
January 22, 2011 at 5:45 pm
Annie
I quite enjoyed that flag sketch. It had me laughing!
My son is really into being a protector. He saves Lily or me while fighting off “bad guys”. I think it's easier for me to roll with it when he wants to be a “good guy” than if he wanted to be a “bad guy”, which he never wants to be.
This kind of play, fighting with swords and guns etc. has also been normal play around here with both my kids.
January 23, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Anonymous
I brought my mom to see True Grit for her birthday. I returned home and told my husband about the movie, saying, “This girl goes out to find her father's killer.” My 4 yr old, sitting nearby, said, “Someone killed my cousin's mother and father and she had to go live with her grandfather.” My husband and I exchanged looks and I said, “What?” I thought I hadn't heard her correctly, even though she had spoken very clearly. She repeated herself and her father and I exchanged another look. With his eyes, he said, “What is that about!?” I used an expression that said, “I have no idea!” Then I worried that she was seeing the future.
She mentioned something about her birthday party so maybe it was a game her older cousin was playing. Kids have so many influences in their lives, even homeschooled kids. It is jarring sometimes what they come up with.
January 27, 2011 at 3:46 am
6512 and growing
Such a noble and crazy journey, parenting boys.